Saturday, 3 November 2012
Recently I have been really out of sorts; not sleeping, eating and generally just feeling beige, so after some encouragement from a friend I went to talk to the doctor about it to see if they could give me any answers. Whilst in some ways the doctor has, by diagnosing me with what she feels in manic depression she has if anything create a million more questions in my mine.
My doctors visit was back in the summer and since then I have been trying different types of med's to try and find a solution with varied results, now however the focus is moving towards concilling which absolutely terrifies me. I can go over things again and again in my mind, however talking about it with someone trained to analyse me scares me silly ~ the idea of me having to find answers for questions seems terrifying.
What I can tell them is I am lost!
I feel beige, totally disconnected from my friends, the world around me but most importantly myself. Looking in the mirror I don't see me, I don't care about eating and can go for days without eating more than a bowl of cereal...which doesn't bother me or making me hungry and it should. People might think I'm not eating because I want to loose weight but I don't even know if that is true. Whilst I don't like what I see in the mirror I feel no connection whatsoever with what I see, clothes have even lost their worth making getting dressed for work an extended challenge as I don't feel good in clothes.
I don't feel anything other that lost and seperate from those around me!